When the butterflies come back
- Apr 8
- 7 min read
Now, you might be thinking of the “butterflies in your stomach” saying when looking at the title. So, if you clicked on this thinking, I was gonna talk about romantic love. Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you. But it has nothing to do with that. No, rather a different breed of butterfly altogether.
What I mean by that is our thoughts and our emotions.
I have a job at a physical therapy clinic. I’m a technician, so that means, amongst my other responsibilities, I help the patients through their exercise routines. Either at a table or around the clinic, I’m usually there to assist them or just give genuine encouragement. I feel it’s necessary to talk about my job because of the situation and background I come from.
Particularly, said, young patient, one morning told me something that I wasn’t quite prepared for. And that was that she had some pretty negative thoughts about herself. To put it extremely lightly, that she didn’t want to (possibly) be here anymore. It would be one thing to write something icky and throw it away.
But evidently a friend she confided in had told her counselor then to another. On top of other things that I will not say. And here’s a young girl whom I had seen quite giggly and bashful when talking to me. And to see her spirit so crushed it broke me. It just wasn’t like her, now granted I only ever see her maybe 3 ish hours a week, max. But from the other things she told me, all she wanted was someone to listen to her.
Now to get to the butterflies. We did come up with a small strategy about the thoughts and feelings that kept coming back. She came up with the colors. We designated the negative thoughts as black butterflies, and you guessed it, the positive thoughts as white ones.
Then I said, “You get to decide how long that butterfly stays. It can stay with you for 5, 10, 15 minutes —whatever. But the point is that you get to decide. Not the other way around. Nor should anyone tell you how to feel.”
“But what if they keep coming back? How do I stop them?”
“Well, you must have some freakin’ powerful sugar water for those little suckers to keep coming back. I dunno.” I cracked a smile.
She started to giggle.
I shrugged. “Then the butterflies keep coming back. But you are the one who tells them where to go.”
Before this we had talked about those y’know like greenhouses or something. Hang on, I’mma look it up.
Cue elevator music
Okay so they ‘re called greenhouses, generally. But I was thinking specifically about the ones at like a museum or something. Like in ACNH, just minus the talking owl. But the American Museum of Natural History called them “Vivariums”. Huh. Who knew my gameplay of Hogwarts Legacy was going to come up in this. Where was I going with this—I had a point! XD
Right! So, once she releases the butterflies into her Vivarium, she can look at all of them. And basically, like blowing up a picture she can decide what’s “good” or “bad” to her.
So, with that I will not go any further about our conversations. I love the people who come in to see us very dearly. And they trust me enough to talk about some other serious topics as well. Trust and believe that she’s already been in contact with the school and her mom. If I do need to refer to her it will be as “Young patient (YP)”.
While I will not be touching on her story anymore; her story did remind me of so many times as a young child that I wanted someone to just listen to me without judgement. And making everything I say or do into some dramatic ensemble. I just wanted to express me. Even if I didn’t know who ‘me’ even was at the time.
So maybe the “Butterfly Method” doesn’t work for you. Maybe you’re a raptor kinda person-- I was a dino kid myself-- And ever since you saw Chris Pratt rangel in (okay I looked it up and it’s not identifying the cowboy-ish term. But moving on! XD ) those raptors you were hooked. I dunno. Whatever’s gonna float your boat.
Hell, I was watching a YouTube essay about the gaming history of Cooking Mania. So, you could file in your emotions like a cooking game. Talk about a blast from the past. And the DS days. There’s not a one size fits all kinda thing on this. That’s what else I told YP.
And I can’t promise that they won’t come back. Those raptors that you took care of long ago may stumble back in.
But that doesn’t mean you’ve regressed. Just like the changing of the seasons, we also change with time. So that saying “Time heals all things” well I’ll be damned because they were actually right. Maybe not in the way you expected but nonetheless our perspectives and situations do change.
Healing is not a linear journey. It’s cyclical. And I’m definitely living proof of that. The butterflies, yes, the dark ones, do make their appearance from time to time in my life. And it’s on those days that I take everything step by step.
That’s the days I don’t take a shower, brush my teeth, or clean up after myself. And some of those days I don’t have enough in me to fake a smile. It’s embarrassing, at least that’s what Rick tells me. No, not an actual person. I wish. It’d make being mad at someone so much easier.
Side note: Editing me here, the image above is not Rick. This is a scene I had imagined as someone all bloodied up after a fight. And sighing very deeply to say the dialogue. Okay, continue on your merry way c:
He makes me feel like I’m the loneliest person in all the world. Despite others around me saying they would help me. My therapist and I came up with a name for when I can’t seem to get out of bed. Where I just overthink everything. And I’m paralyzed with all these options.
Rumination + Ick (I described it as an “icky” feeling) = Rick (a personified version of depression and negativity)
Tadah!
Sorta kinda ish. I know his name and can tell his negative ass to play Legos in the next room. He’s not gonna tell me what to do. I hate being told what to do. Grinds my gears so badly. Genuine critique, fine. Absolutely not fine when someone goes out of their way and tells me I’m doing something wrong with my life.
I even told YP that if the method doesn’t work, we’ll think of something else. But she seemed to take to it like a duck to water. So I think we’re headed in a good direction. Which reminds me, at some point, a couple years ago probably; I had a channeled message with Loki.
Believe it or don’t that’s completely up to you. It’ll be in the book I publish so here’s a sneak peek. Anyway, we walked along the sidewalk in this park. Him, jovial as ever, and me, pissed off and depressed as ever. Eventually we get to a bench, and this is where the exert comes in:
“Y’know,” he says, as he looks out over the water, “You can stay in this bad mood all your life if you want to.”
I nodded my head, yes, sitting back with my arms crossed.
“But your life is more than just one foul mood.” Loki sticks one index finger up. “It’s more than just black and white. It always has been for you.” He looks over at me, his eyes worried. “What I’m saying is that you are more than just one day’s outbursts or saddened moments.”
And Loki knows how much I don’t like being told what to do. Here he kept stating the obvious throughout the story. And I kept shrugging him off because I didn’t want to believe I had gotten that bad again. Hell, even in the present my spirit guides will come in and say, “Hey girl y’know this can be bad for you if you do it long enough.”
And blindly I just keep scrolling, knowing what it’s doing to my mental health. And it’s oh so easy to just keep hitting the dopamine button. And it’s also a slippery slope to just call ourselves dumb or to be downtrodden. Ooo big girl word. Not to say you have to counteract this with total positivity. Rather calling the “butterfly” for what it is. But stopping to identify why and when I should let go of the butterfly, helps me be mindful of the present. And takes me out of my head.
This, as you can tell, is one of my good days. I finally pushed the Procrastination Blanket off of me about doing my taxes. Yeesh, I had forgotten all about. Washed some laundry. And no, I did not fold them. I wasn’t Superwoman. I said I got stuff done. Not stop Lex Luther from taking over the world. One blog atta time now, people XD.
But, yes, I washed clothes, took a much-needed shower, watched one of my all-time favorite Youtubers (Brewstew) compilations, ate at some point, and managed to pull up some old episodes of Walker Texas Ranger.
Yeah—I know!! I’m jumping up and down as I’m typing this. He was such a big hero to me growing up. I would pour over similar shows like I was right along the chase with them.
And while I watched that I drew in a new drawing app; it’s called Infinite Painter. Dudes I freaking love this app! Either I’m now just catching the hype or people aren’t talking nearly enough about the app. I’m still testing things out, but their pen selection is spectacular.
So, yes, today was a good day. Me and the butterflies got along pretty well. I feel like I got things done. And did some relaxing. No, it doesn’t fix immediately my current job setting as much as I’d like. But if I can make one change today then that’s as good as any day.
I enjoyed talking with y’all again. I’m really starting to open up about my life and to other people. It’s really put in perspective so much it’s hard to really describe.
Contact:
Feel free to reach out to me through my socials or through my email. msincensebusiness@outlook.com
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I’ll talk to y’all soon. Bye for now!
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